Ami's AfterChat NewsletterMarch 1998Please Note: This newsletter was originally sent on March 19, 1998. It may not have improved with age. Information may be outdated and irrelevant, not to mention useless. It is here only for your enjoyment.
WELCOME
DON'T FORGET
PHOTO-QUILT UPDATE It's been so much fun going through your Kodak Moments. In case you were wondering, most people sent photographs of their kids. The second most numerous category was pets. And do you have some strange ones. OK, so the dolphin and the gorilla probably aren't pets, but I got to see a startled ferret, some pigs, a lamb, horses, and lots of dogs and cats. And some of those cats! I think I had two favorites in that CAT-agory.......one that must have been a cross between and cat and a giraffe. It was stretched across a sleeping baby and looked about 5 feet long! Another tabby was pictured sleeping, flat on her back, paws up and belly button to the sky. This cat was enormous. Must have weighed in at close to 30 pounds. Kitty needs to call Richard Simmons. Anyway, thank you all for your help. You should be getting your pictures back very shortly. I am waiting to pick the BEST photo until I see them all transferred up and sitting next to fabric. Thank you so much!
UNDERWEAR UPDATE I received over 38 boxes of underwear and T-shirts from all over the United States. That included 97 T-shirts and over 18 pounds of mis-matched socks, orphaned gloves, and worn out boxer shorts! I picked the best looking T-shirts and made the top to send to Woman's Day. OK, almost the whole top. I ran out of border fabric and sent it off with a big chunk missing, but she could get the idea. The editor got the idea, but her boss didn't. They decided they wanted T-shirt quilts sent in by readers instead. (What are WE, chopped liver?!) The boss wasn't crazy about the other quilts I sent to them either. Needless-to-say, your underwear will have to wait until I finish the quilts for the book and until I finish writing the book. AFTER the book, and my nervous breakdown, I'll tackle the socks and boxer shorts. On a more up-beat note, look for your next issue of Woman's Day for my photo-transfer pillow. It should hit the newsstands any day now. There is supposed to be a little, iddy-bitty photo of the pillow on the front cover. Can't remember the date, but I think it's the April 15th issue, which (since all those dates are made-up anyway) has already been printed and might be in your mail box or at the grocery store any day now. Haven't seen it yet myself, so let me know when you do.
TRANSFER PAPER UPDATE (A big hello and warm hugs to the quilters of Tupelo, Mississippi who helped my employee work the booth. Thank you!)
NEW PRODUCT ALERT
CONSTRUCTION UPDATE
HAVE YOU SEEN JOSEPH?
MORE ON THE MAIL SCAM Here's some information from Spshakers@aol.com should you ever have your checks stolen. "I work for Equifax (the biggest credit reporting agency) but in their Check Services division. If you have had your checkbook or checks stolen first you should:
The merchant or the checkwriter can also report a lost or stolen checkbook to Equifax, Telecheck, Crosscheck, NPC or any other check guarantee company. Our company and others like us mostly deal with merchants who report returned and lost/stolen checks to us, but a check writer can call Equifax Customer Care at 1-800-770-3792 or at 1-800-352-5970 to report a lost/stolen checkbook. You don't need to have your credit report wrecked because of some bozo who stole your checkbook!! Any bounced checks written at a merchant who uses Equifax Check guarantee will automatically go on to the checkwriter's credit report IF they are not made good on within four months of the check date." Thanks for the great advice.
MORE ON THE OTT LITE
MISSING FABRIC
FUNNIES "On The House" A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who's on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today. New suit?" The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. "Seriously... THAT is a fabulous tie, chum." The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone. "Hello?" he asks. "Is someone speaking to me?" "You bet! I just had to say you look like a million bucks... Have you lost weight?" A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement. The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer. "What'll you have?" asks the barkeep. "What?... Oh, a pint of ale, I guess", mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts. He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. "What's the deal with these nuts?" he asks. The barkeep brings the guy's pint over and sets it before him. "Oh, the nuts? They're complimentary!"
MORE FUNNIES Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?) Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
AND FINALLY... One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?" So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life." The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?" The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life." The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?" The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life." And finally the bartender says, "Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?" The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
See you next time. Until then, happy quilting....
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