Ami's AfterChat NewsletterJune 1998Please Note: This newsletter was originally sent on June 14, 1998. It may not have improved with age. Information may be outdated and irrelevant, not to mention useless. It is here only for your enjoyment.
WELCOME Don't forget our next on-line chat is Thursday, June 25, 1998 from 9 to 10 EST. In the AOL Quilter's Chat Room. See you there!
FEATHERWEIGHT ISN'T
OVERRUN WITH GUINEA PIGS
AMI'S CONFUSION
MEDICALLY HONORED They've also asked to borrow the quilt to hang at the June 30 press conference in Washington, DC so maybe my quilt will be on TV! If that really happens (you never know about these things) maybe you can see my quilt on your local news! Or CNN!!
NOSE RINGS I know I'm going to hear from all you quilters out there with pierced noses, but I'm going to take a stand here. I think nose rings are stupid. Having said that, allow me to qualify: Indian women wearing silk saris look just fine wearing a little diamond on the sides of their noses. Teen-age girls with hoop earrings stuck through their noses getting pizza look stupid. How does this happen? Do people wake up one morning and decide they want to look like a bull? It pains me to see people mutilating their bodies in this way. I have an overwhelming urge to stare and since I'm far too well brought up to do anything more than glimpse, I have to resort to looking out of the corner of my eye. And that gives me a headache. On the bright side, I guess there are practical considerations. Why, if I had a nose ring I could....
Tie dental floss around it and floss my teeth with only one hand.Nose rings actually make a great quilting aid. It's the perfect place to hang a small pair of Ginghers. Just slide the point through the hoop. The handles would be too big to pass through and will keep them ever at the ready. Makes cutting the thread and then licking it before you aim it at the needle so much easier. Not all that wasted arm movement. For hand applique slide small spools of thread onto your nose ring for a handy assortment. Simply knock your head back to flip up the nose ring, then select the appropriate color thread and pull to unspool. Finally, nose rings are the perfect tool for machine quilting. Use it as a thread guide. Just pass the nylon thread through your nose ring right after it goes through the take-up lever. Most of us sew with our heads bent over the machine anyway! Come to think of it all quilters should get their noses pierced and wear a hoop earring between their nostrils. We could put little miniature quilts in the miniature hoops! Wouldn't that be a hit at the next quilt show?!
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
GETTING ENOUGH IRON? What I've found, aside from the fact that I want to do more testing, is that the point of the iron is the least hot on most models. The hottest part is usually the middle or bottom third of the iron. Strangely, some of the higher priced models cycle on to full tilt, then as soon as they reach the desired temperature, they cycle off, and can drop as much as 50 degrees in 60 seconds. Not good for photo-transfers, where you need constant heat. Anybody out there have a thermo coupler and want to do additional testing on their iron with me?
CONSTRUCTION UPDATE Mid-stream the shower begins to sing. It's strange and haunting melody brought husband and daughter to the bathroom door to investigate. Whatever was I doing in there?! Without any provocation from any other pipe in the house, the nozzle began it's lament. It sounded like someone was letting the air out of a balloon, very slowly, by pulling the neck. Funny, that's just what I'd like to do to the plumber!
WOMAN'S DAY
NEWS FROM UNCLE BUD Thoughts of caulking the large crack were immediately postponed when I noticed about 12 other very sick looking large black animals with a shiny coating of ant spray come belligerently marching out from their cover. I stepped on two at one time, and then did my dance of death singly. For a while I did a rather astonishing imitation of Gene Kelly dancing on the side of the cabinet as they tried to distance themselves from the obnoxious liquid that I had presented to them just a few seconds earlier. The more I stomped and jumped the more their sinister army came oozing out in a dark wide black offensive line. I retreated momentarily to change weapons. This time I chose a whisk broom instead of my shoes because it was immediately handy. As I whisked, they massed to attack in yet another wave. I called for reinforcements which produced a barefoot middle aged female unaccustomed to the savagery of war. Bodies flew in all directions, the van was removed from the garage, back-up weapons were brought to the front lines and deployed. The enemy had never before faced such serious artillery, as the shop vac gave voice to it's intention of mass destruction and total annihilation. In the end two tired and sweating humans stood motionless and victorious. There was no cheering, no parades and no speeches. It was a conflict that neither side wanted or had anticipated, and although victory was sweet and just, the pallor of death and smell of pesticides hung heavily over the battlefield for several hours. The army of occupation then moved in for the final cleanup operation which involved another trip to Ace Hardware for a tube of caulk, to forever conceal the enemies hiding place from the rest of the world. The burials were swift and unemotional, and a huge victory banquet for two began shortly thereafter. A brief and heated discussion followed, concerning the merits of erecting a memorial wall of some kind, but the motion was defeated because of the difficulty in obtaining an accurate list of the names of the fallen warriors. This, then, was a typical day for us. Sometimes we tend to get carried away with the excitement of our retirement, but mostly we keep a fairly stable view of things. I'll miss them little critters, but I can't help but wonder how much of my garden tool cabinet they actually ate.
LAUGH HERE (Kid Wisdom) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac. Don't ever hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap
JUST IN CASE YOU'RE STILL GIGGLING An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" Have a great quilting day! Thanks for reading this month's newsletter.
Ami Simms
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