Ami's AfterChat NewsletterJuly 1998Please Note: This newsletter was originally sent on July 20, 1998. It may not have improved with age. Information may be outdated and irrelevant, not to mention useless. It is here only for your enjoyment.
WELCOME
AUGUST IN KANSAS For those of you interested in having me come teach for your guild, I would love to. Fortunately, (or unfortunately) right now I'm booked through March of 2001 and won't even be sending out information until the fall. So, if you're interested, please send me an e-mail in the fall and I'll send you materials about my workshops and lectures.
AOL CHAT TIME
THE EVERYONE CAN COME CHAT! In any event, you have a few days to experiment and figure out how to get there. Come Sunday night, we'll be using protocol so I won't be interrupted. It's no biggy. Just come on in and type a "?" if you'd like to ask me a question and just wait for me to answer by typing your screen name and the letters GA, which stands for Go Ahead. I'll take the questions in the order the "?" appear. And don't worry; I'm sure I'll mess up! Come for the fun! Everyone is invited! Let's see if we can pack the room!
CONSTRUCTION UPDATE
THE SEARCH IS ON Anyway, just one of the strange things we've done to the addition is to include a second story clothes chute from her bathroom to her craft room/laundry down a floor below. Not your ordinary, standard-size clothes chute. No! It's a 13 inch diameter sewer pipe that sits flush with the wall, makes a 90 degree turn downwards, and dumps out just above head level. (My job is to construct a quilted "end" with a zipper. No sweat. You remember How Not To Make A Prize-Winning Quilt, don't you?) Since the opening is so large, the building inspector is fearful of small children and tall pets accidentally becoming part of the dirty laundry. We need a cover for the clothes chute up in the bathroom. For reasons explained above, a simple wooden door is not acceptable. So, we are in search of a port hole. As in from a ship. Or the door to a safe. Just the door; you can keep the rest of the safe. If you have either of these two items, please let me know.
CAN YOU TELL ME?
MAGNETIC I'm so excited, Blue Feather Productions, those nice folks who make the Grabbit magnetic pin cushions and other cool things, have turned four of my quilts into magnets. Slap them on your refrigerator, or car bumper. They're $2.99 each. To see them, hit http://www.blue-feather.com/quilts.htm
WOMAN'S DAY MAGAZINE
BOOK UPDATE It seems kind of funny to wish for cloudy days in the middle of summer, but if you could all put your minds to it, I'd appreciate a couple of miserable days the week of the 27th. Just between the hours of 11 and 1, if you don't mind too much. Thanks.
SO THAT EXPLAINS IT! A recent study has indicated that fabric gives off a certain pheromone which actually hypnotizes women, causing them to purchase ungodly amounts. When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, these pheromones can cause memory loss and trigger the nesting syndrome (similar to the one that squirrels have before the onset of winter which induces them to store food). Because of this, the fabric can actually perpetuate its own species, avoiding the eminent population loss due to their kind being cut up into little pieces and being mixed with others. Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very high pitched sound, heard only by a select few of the breed of women known as quilters. When played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants: "buy me, cut me, sew me!" In order to overcome the so-called "frenzy effect" that these fabrics can cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility, and use ear plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip. Due to this discovery, please do not laugh the next time you enter your favorite fabric store and witness hoards of women decorated ornamentally with W.W.II Army gas masks and headphones.
Studies have also indicated that alien life forms have inhabited the
earth and may be helping to worsen the hypnotic effects that these fabrics
have on innocent women. Aliens frequently try to obtain jobs as fabric store
clerks.
MORE FUNNIES And a big hug to Aczompo sent along these groaners....
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once-and-for-all that you can't have your kayak & heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the
bar and announces:
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The
bartender replies,
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says
to the other, "Are you all right?" Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication! A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender. "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Happy quilting,
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