Ami's AfterChat Newsletter

January 1998

HAPPY NEW YEAR
Happy new year to you all! I hope everybody has recovered from the holidays and is enjoying the new year. My goal this year is to buy more fabric, start more projects, and purposely fling scraps from my rotary cutter onto the floor. 1998 is going to be a good year!

REMINDER
Our first chat in a long time is coming right up. I'll see you AOL-ers in the Quilters' Chat Room at 9 pm EST on Thursday, January 22, 1998. We'll attempt protocol for the first 45 minutes. Just raise your hand by typing "?" and wait until I call on you. And then we'll degenerate into a free-for-all after that. Bring your quilting questions. Not able to come? E-mail your questions and I'll try to answer them in the next AfterChat.

WELCOME
We've added another 250 or so subscribers to this newsletter. I guess that brings the numbers up to about 2600 readers. (Please don't all hit the REPLY button at once!) Do let me know if your screen name or your internet provider changes as I maintain the list all by myself and need to weed out the bad addresses before the mail can get through. Send me the OLD address AND the NEW address.

If anybody feels left out because they are just getting this newsletter for the first time, and can't figure out what in the world I'm talking about, don't worry. Neither do the people who have gotten it from the beginning! For both groups, past issues of the AfterChat are at my web page (http://quilt.com/amisimms).

FREE BOOK
There is also a special offer for those who order my books and photo-transfer paper with the on-line order form. Click over to the Order Form and see how you can get a FREE copy of How NOT To Make A Prize-Winning Quilt.

SEE YOU IN CHICAGO-LAND
I'll be in St. Charles for workshops with the Prairie Star Quilters this week. Please e-mail Germaine (sewold@aol.com) for information about the workshops and lectures. If you're going to be there, please be sure to come over and introduce yourself. I'd love to meet you.

THE ANSWER WOMAN
I've gotten some very nice e-mails from readers of this newsletter, and apparently there are some burning questions from past newsletters that need answers. So here are the updates.

1. Is the pillowcase donation going to be an annual event? No, but it should be. I need to find a little more free time, and a little more free space to store the pillows, and then we'll do it again. Stay tuned.

2. Any word from Oprah? Did she have the quilt you made her on a show? Sadly, the answer is "no" again. The Oprah people never even acknowledged the quilt I made for them, the stinkers. Repeated efforts to get their attention have failed. After several segments on photo-quilts, I guess they must not be interested in actually learning how to make them. If you'd all like to send a couple hundred e-mails each suggesting that they ask AMI SIMMS to come and show Oprah how easy and fun it is to do, I certainly wouldn't discourage you. <VBG> You can e-mail Oprah at: harpo@interaccess.com. Power To The People, er, QUILTERS!

3. Did you finish the double wedding ring quilt yet? This was the purple and green and orange one for which I have been collecting fabric for nearly a year. The answer? OF COURSE NOT! The fabric is all cut and ready to sew. I'm trying to find time. Maybe 1998?

4. How's the addition to your house coming along? Well, it's been interesting. Today marks the 49th day since work began and most of the exterior walls are up. Some interior walls are up, although not many. They've attached the structure to the existing house, but haven't officially broken through the walls to connect the two. This is a good thing, as it's less than 20 degrees outside and snowing and I don't relish heating the great outdoors for the next 49 days. The framers are hoping to complete the last little bit and punch a hole in my closet to connect the two "upstairs-es" together. My clothes are already living in the fabric cabinets I put in the new sewing studio which used to be the old living room. (Don't worry, it gets even more confusing.)

   The second connecting place is in the Blue Room on the first floor which was a bedroom in the back of the house which used to be painted blue. Six years ago. We still call it the Blue Room and it will, when all the dust settles, be my office. Now it is "shipping and receiving" and when they punch through that room we will have to relocate that department someplace else---possibly the roof!

   In my new part time job as Foreman, I am learning much about building. Tony (supervisor), Dave (cement guy), Randy (framer), Jim (plumber), Marv (electrician), and Vic (windows) are also learning lots about quilts. Maybe we'll start our own bee when the house is done.

   I have been taking pictures of the job as it progresses and have threatened to put them on the internet. Apparently the crew thinks this is amusing and keeps asking for the URL. Now that Santa brought me a scanner, it may be possible, although I'm going to try it out first in a less public place. My job this evening is to scan images of the workers, print them, and put together a little exhibit in the porta-potty. If it goes well, check the web page.

   Meanwhile, I am searching for a pair of ruby slippers and some black and white striped socks. Both these items have eluded me at the annual sidewalk sales at the mall this week. I want to stuff them and have them sticking out of the foundation one morning alla "Wizard of Oz." I really think the workmen will appreciate it.

5. Nnevins wrote and said she liked the list of new dog breeds from the last newsletter. She wrote, "We have been looking for a new dog so will try one of the breeds that you listed in the letter. But sure don't want a cross-breed of a collie and cocker as it would be a Colicker that would cry and whine and want to be fed, held and petted at the darndest hours and nothing will calm it down ----- sorry couldn't resist." (Good one, N.)

JEN GETS HAND-ME-DOWN COMPUTER
After much begging by the 14-year-old daughter (including sneezes than started "haa..." and ended in "....comPUTER!") I upgraded my IBM and wrapped the hand-me-down in Christmas paper. Jen was delighted. I did, however, have to buy some extras for her, like a modem.

I thought I had bought an external modem, but when she unwrapped it I found I had gotten an inFERnal modem. But, by some miracle I was able to install it myself!!! Yes, I unscrewed the top of the computer, looked around for something to plug it in to, hacked off the metal part at the back to make a hole, and jammed the modem in there! Head turned upside-down to see, bifocals falling UP off my face onto my forehead rendered me semi-blind, but I DID IT! And, it works. But not on the phone line upstairs in Jen's room. Phone works; modem doesn't.

Did you know you can purchase several very long phone cords and some adapter things and make your own cord that is actually long enough to plug a modem into a phone jack that is 98 feet from the computer? Camouflaging the cord as it snakes down the stairs has been a little more difficult. I've decided to hang laundry on it. Nobody will ever guess.

Not to be undone, I built her a desk too. I got one of those kits that you put together yourself. I only have 6 screws leftover, a couple of plastic pointy things, and one bolt. When I finally completed Step #69, Steve had to pry the screwdriver out of my clenched fists. Already over the maximum daily dosage of Tylenol, I attempted to ease the pain by taping acetaminophen tablets to my fingers and wrists. Didn't work.

ANOTHER COMPUTER TOY?
Looking for a fun program that you can really live without, but is really cool? I was browsing in Best Buy the other day and SoftKey's AddressBookPlus jumped off the shelf and into my basket. As you might have guessed by the name, you can store the names and addresses of all your friends and relations on your computer. Why would you want to do that, you ask? I wondered too as I attempted to put the box back on the shelf. I got it balanced on there pretty good, turned to leave, and the darn thing leaned, wobbled, and then fell back into my basket!

I asked, "This is stupid, why would I want to turn my computer on to find an address. I could just look in my address book by the phone." And the box said in a very quiet voice, "Because your address book is a mess! You've got crossed out numbers, pieces of paper taped all over the place, and every time you open it 18 carry out menus slide out."

"Hmm," I said. The box quietly went on to say that not only could I organize all that mess on the computer (which beats writing it out by hand any day) but I could sort it any number of different ways AND print a hard copy version too, for when the computer was turned off. I could even print an itty-bittypocket version to carry in my purse.

I was beginning to crack. What pushed me over the edge was the next thing the box whispered: "You can dial your phone from the computer."

"NO WAY!" I shouted at the box. "WAY!" It whispered back. By this time we had the aisle to ourselves. I placed the box gently in the basket and headed for the check-out lane.

The box was right. I can sit here and type this newsletter, click into AddressBookPlus, highlight MOM and dial her from my computer. I still have to pick up the handset, but it's WAY COOL.

Now we have a new game in the office. I slyly ask my assistant, the long- suffering Teresa, to get somebody on the phone for me. While she's reaching for the address book, I sneak into ABP, highlight, dial, and pick up the phone before she can pick the carry-out menus up off the floor. Then I say, "Never mind, I got it." It's lots of fun. You wanna come over and play?

OTT LITE CONTROVERSY RAGES ON
In my last newsletter I opened a real can of worms. Remember I told you about the Ott Lites? And how terrific they are? And how you could get them for less at Office Depot? Well, did I get the mail! I'm still investigating, but for now, I'm sticking by my guns. This appears to be the same bulb in a slightly different lamp, that is selling in the quilt shops for $20 more.

In my investigation so far I've learned that there are TWO companies making Ott Lites. Both have been sanctioned by Mr. Ott. I've spoken to the company in California (Ott Biolightsystems, Inc.) and they are the ones who do NOT make either of the lights in question. They said the "other" company makes those and they're not shielded as well as THEIR lights are. Uh-huh. The "other" company is in Florida, and they're on the list of people to call next. I shall keep you informed.

E-MAIL FROM UNCLE BUD
You may remember my uncle Bud from the November newsletter. He and my aunt Elaine now live in Jupiter, Florida in retired bliss, except for the occasional misfortune. I recently received this e-mail from him:

"I spent the whole day attempting to finish the gargantuan job of replacing a simple garden hose. You would think that because of my background of having been a master plumber in two states, hardware store owner, and possessing a tiny bit more general mechanical aptitude than the average guy, that replacing a garden hose would be as simple a job as cleaning out your ear with a Q-tip. Not so, bright eyes!

My old hose was beautiful. It was well on its' way to becoming a family heirloom, being comprised of 75 feet of bright orange, and 75' of forest green, 5/8 inch plastic top grade True Value hose guaranteed not to kink, get stiff in the cold, leak, or fade in color unless subjected to a series of small nuclear blasts. These two hoses were of such a high quality that it was darn near a sin to actually hook them up to water. They should have really lived out their glory days in a glass case in the Garden Museum of History.

I became the owner of such an exquisite piece of American hosiery because it was once a monthly special feature in a True Value Advertisement. As a franchisee I was required to order them in for stock. A reality check convinced me that no one in my store's neighborhood would be able to afford such high class items, and I was once again correct. I kept taking them home at night with me and returning them to the display window the next morning so no one would break into the store and steal them. Eventually I got tired of the daily chore, or forgot, or something, and they became a part of our home life.

They were of advanced age when we packed the 150 feet of slightly faded green & orange garden hose in the moving van for the trip to Florida, and the Jupiter sun has done its' work on them now for the better part of 12 years. There have been occasional amputations of ruptured and spraying extremities, but nothing serious. Heck, they were almost brand new!

I found out, however, that nothing is forever. Eventually they were subjected to one too many periods of being accidentally left under pressure in temperatures exceeding that of melted glass. They have been officially retired now, and I am searching for a suitable glass display case to enshrine them in.

I bought a single 125' replacement hose yesterday. I unwrapped it to find that one of the outside coils covered a spot on an inside coil that had two large gashes in it. I brought it back to Wal-Mart to exchange it this morning. They only had one other 125' hose left and that had been taken out of its package, and was scuffed. No sale. The hoses at Home Depot were plentiful and colorful, however each selection I made was handicapped by being either too short a length, too large or too small a diameter, too expensive, or too thin. I finally settled on two handsome 50' lengths of yellow and black "Contractor's" hose that were on sale.

I had a startling opportunity to test out the lifetime guarantee policy after the hoses were painstakingly wound up on the hose reel this afternoon. It didn't leak, it GUSHED water! I changed hose washers, blue jeans, underwear, and shoes.

With the sun slowly sinking in the west (where else?) I made the pilgrimage back to our brand new Home Despot, obviously the largest one in the whole world, and after advising the 3rd manager of how bad my day was going, I had to carry the dumb hose a half mile to the service desk for a refund, took the elevated back to the garden department, and purchased a new hose.

Trying to ensure that there would be no repeat of the kind of despair I had already endured by purchasing yet another leaky hose, I spent the greater part of half hour to get a sales clerk to allow me to test the new hose before I checked out. I finally just grabbed a hose hanging on a stanchion in the garden department and hooked it up to my intended purchase, capped the end and turned it on. NO LEAK! Then I turned off the hose faucet before releasing the pressure from the capped end, and noted that the eye level hose vacuum breaker on the stanchion was defective when it issued out a spray to rival Niagara. I had my second dousing of the day, and a very surprised small gray haired lady holding some impatients also got a face-full as she walked by.

I dripped a trail of water all the way to the checkout stand. The new 100' of shiny black and yellow hose is now safely installed on my hose reel, it isn't twisted and it doesn't leak a drop.

One amazing thing was discovered however. The new 100' hose seems to be much longer than the old 150' of hose it replaces. Either they measure hoses differently now a-days, or the multiple and occasional amputations were far more frequent than I remembered. It doesn't really matter.

Now I can't find anything that needs watering." (Thanks, Uncle Bud)

CHECK OUT THIS WEB SITE
Stone Ginger Press manufactures a line of quilt embossed note cards and they're beautiful. Each card also has a little quilt history on the back. Check them out at http://www.stoneginger.com/ and tell them I sent you!

WOMAN'S DAY MAGAZINE
I don't know the date yet, but I just made a photo-transfer pillow and a photo-transfer photo album cover (say that fast 10 times) that will be featured in an upcoming issue of Woman's Day Magazine. As soon as I know the on-sale date, I'll let you know. It was one of those rush jobs. The editor called me on Wednesday and I had to overnight them 5 days later.

Be sure to check the web site for one of the newer additions, the gallery of photo quilts. Please be sure to send me photographs of your photo-quilt projects as I would like to expand the on-line quilt show.

I MISS DAN QUAYLE
This funny comes your way courtesy of Aczompo@aol.com with apologies to any Dan Quayle fans.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- J. Danforth Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- J. Danforth Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- J. Danforth Quayle, 12/6/89

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- J. Danforth Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- J. Danforth Quayle, 9/5/90

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- J. Danforth Quayle

I hope you enjoyed this newsletter. If you'd like to break my heart and ask to be removed from the list, please hit reply and put REMOVE in the subject and message of your email.

Make it a great day,
Ami Simms

http://quilt.com/amisimms

Remember the date at the beginning of this newsletter? It's an old one. To receive a new one the next time Ami writes one, please get on the mailing list