Ami's AfterChat NewsletterFebruary 1999Please Note: This newsletter was originally sent on February 19, 1999. It may not have improved with age. Information may be outdated and irrelevant, not to mention useless. It is here only for your enjoyment.
WELCOME
FUN PHOTO-QUILTS & CRAFTS We unloaded the truck yesterday and my arms are now significantly longer this morning. And considerably stiffer. It took the two guys from the printers and the three very attractive women from Mallery Press a scant 55 minutes to move 226 boxes from truck to shelves. I stood in the Book Hole, a 2 x 3 foot cement indentation in the foyer floor, normally covered with a trap door. The far end opens into the basement, under the foyer wall. The hole used to be the basement window before The Addition. My job was to grab each box from the man that took it off the truck and push it through the hole into the basement. At 34 pounds each, I grabbed, twisted and pushed almost 4 tons of books!) My arms are so sore I can't lift them above my waist. (To type this, I am standing, fingers dangling at keyboard level.) I don't know which part of my body to ice first. I am not allowed to complain, however, as Teresa and Debbie grabbed each box at forehead level and lowered it slowly to a nearby shelf. Just to stress different muscles, Deb and I switched places and I got catch the books she pushed through the hole. When we ran out of shelves we built a mountain of boxes and since I'm the tallest, I got to heave the books on top of the pile. Even lifting my arms to brush my teeth this morning was an adventure in pain. We are a chiropractor's dream. For those of you who missed the super special e-mail deal, all is not lost. You might just be getting a post card in the mail advertising an "almost as good" deal. You can take 15% off the price of Fun Photo-Quilts & Crafts and Photos-To-Fabric® transfer paper and you don't have to buy both. No post card? Ordering information should be on my web page (http://www.quilt.com/amisimms) shortly. Or just call 1-800-A-STITCH (1-800-278-4824). The 15% off deal expires at the end of April.
SPEAKING OF THE WEB PAGE
RE-RUNNING AGAIN
WOULD YOU LIKE 15 MINUTES OF FAME?
THEY WERE LOST AND NOW THEY'RE FOUND
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
SELF-INFLICTED STUPIDITY So there I am in front of the bathroom mirror cleaning the lenses and wondering why the rattle. The little nose pads were firmly in place. Then the right lens moved! Ah-HA! So it was the lens, was it? Just to be sure, I tried to see if it would move again. At the moment it slid clockwise, the little voice inside my head asked if trying to move the round lens in the round frame was a good idea. At the moment the lens spun around like a cheap roulette wheel, I answered the little voice with a "probably not." By then, of course, it was too late. In a panic, I tried to move the lens back again. Naturally, it wouldn't budge. Standing there with my glasses off I couldn't see how much damage I had actually done. Those no-line bifocals are pretty slick. You really can't see where the close up part melts into the far away part. So, I put them on. It's amazing how fast one can become nauseated from ocular stimulation. From what I could tell, I had managed to turn the right lens so that my bifocal was now focused on my right armpit. Not a good thing. Dialing with one eye shut, I managed to reach DeltaVision and explain the situation. After the receptionist stopped laughing she told me to come in. Easier said than done. On the big streets I drove without the glasses. On the little streets I put them on and held my hand over my right eye, saluting the few oncoming vehicles I encountered. When I got into the parking lot, I needed both hands on the wheel, so I just screwed up my face and shut my right eye. It actually worked out pretty well. An older gentleman waved me into a parking space right by the door and winked back! Small consolation for being the entertainment du jour.
FUN WEB SITES Then there's this one if you want a brain teaser or two. Remember that conventional answers won't work! http://www.pressanykey.com/densa/densa1.html And, my favorite of the three: http://www3.mcps.k12.md.us/users/rsfay/magic/index.html See if you can you figure out how they can read your mind. Too spooky!
UNCLE BUD'S NEW MATTRESS Heck, we never let the kids carry on that way when they lived at home, so we were incensed that these relative strangers were not obeying house rules. As far as their "deposits" are concerned, if they would have just asked, we would let them use our toilet and we wouldn't have had to invest in a new mattress. Our doctor said that my idea of wrapping ourselves in saran wrap before retiring , to keep those dead skin cells from falling into the mattress was a bad idea. So we plan to also replace our new mattress in about 4 or 5 years. Since our beautiful new mattress has been in place we have not noticed even a slight difference in the runny nose department or the morning back aches. We have, on the other hand, noticed a decided dip in our checkbook balance. Logic seems to fly out the window when confronted with the immense price spread in mattress advertisements. Once in the store, even more confusion abounds. Incidentally, we found out where all the used car salesmen went, when that field got too crowded. We bought ours from a nice Russian lady with long blond hair, who hadn't been in this country long enough to accept the wily ways of the American institution of bait and switch. I'll have to admit that our final selection was definitely slanted by the colorful and seductive mattress covering. It's beautiful and also a shame that it has to be covered by umpteen layers of bed clothing, including but not limited to, dust ruffles, mattress covers, sponge rubber pads with fingers, sheets, and some items with French sounding names that I cannot pronounce. Somehow just knowing that all the beauty of that naked mattress lies beneath me when crawling into bed makes me feel all warm, cozy and special. At the grand moment of the actual mattress replacement, however, I did manage to vacuum under the bed and remove several unidentifiable objects. Perhaps aliens have been using this space as a staging ground? We also retired our old sweet 40 year old vacuum cleaner. The handle finally broke, but my recollection of the last wildly expensive repair to this antique, made me a firm believer in this new disposable society, of which I am now a card carrying member. The new one really sucks, and I mean this in a positive way. The instructions should say, " Fasten all loose clothing before turning on the switch." The first time I flipped the switch I was astounded by it's action. It is far quieter than our old one was. That earsplitting grinding sound that once sent small animals scurrying to hide under beds has been replaced with a rather pleasant whooshing of air. It is an extremely powerful machine but surprisingly more pleasant. It actually removes dirt from the carpet, instead or rearranging it. This one doesn't seem to eat socks and intimate apparel but sort of holds them in it's whirring whiskers until you hit the off switch, and easily retrieve them. Elaine and I have discussed these two recent purchases at length, and feel that in a small way at least, we are now more prepared to enter the new millennium with our updated mattress and shiny new vacuum cleaner. For more information and video clips of both acquisitions in action, check out our web site at www.strangepeople.com (just kidding). Did you know that we have 400 small blue lights strung all over our four poster bed? If stars were blue, you would think you were staring at the sky. (This part is true).
FUNNIES
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. ------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG ------------------------------ COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. -------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents ----------------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ----------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. ----------------------------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. ----------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE ------------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" ------------------------------------- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS -------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD. --------------------------------------- HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" --------------------------------------- GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. ----------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED ------------------------------------------- FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. ------------------------------------------- AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 ------------------------------------------- NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. -------------------------------------------- BAR S SLICED BALOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 ---------------------------------- OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS -------------------------------------- FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb. Thanks again for tuning in. Remember you can always be removed from this mailing list. Just type WART in the subject line and we'll take you right off.
Happy quilting,
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