Ami's AfterChat Newsletter

February

DON'T FORGET
Our next meeting in the AOL chat room is Thursday, February 26 starting at 9pm EST. Come with your quilting questions. We'll do a little protocol for the first 45 minutes, then we'll go crazy with no rules after that. Come and see what it's all about.

You may find it interesting that I'm the one reminding you of our little get- together, considering that last month I fell asleep and missed the first part myself! What an idiot. Thankfully one of the AfterChatters called me on my home line and woke me up. Imagine my surprise. I raced to the computer, turned it on and spent the next 10 minutes trying to get a line to AOL! Once I got connected, the chat room was FULL!

So, come Thursday night, if you'd all call and REMIND ME to get on-line, I sure would appreciate it. Call me at 1-800-278-4824.

LET THERE BE OTT LITE
Digging ever deeper into the Ott-Lite controversy, I have learned that there is either much more to learn, or I'd rather be quilting. Here is what I've learned so far: There are evidently two companies licensed by Mr. Ott. One is in Florida and the other in California. (I hope there aren't any more.) Each sells a variety of lights and bulbs. The Ott LITE advertised in the quilting magazines and sold in quilt shops and the less expensive but similar model sold at Office Depot (for a lot less) are made by the company in Florida.

Interestingly enough, BOTH companies told me that the OTHER company was making inferior products.

I talked to Bruce at the Florida company (Environmental Lighting Concepts, Inc.) and asked the burning question: "How come the lights they sell at OfficeDepot are $39.95 and the lights they sell at the quilt shops are up to $60? I've taken the light bulbs out of each kind and they are identical."

The story I got was that they do make both lights. The light gray model with the handle is the better light. It has a CRI (color rendering index) of 91 and the black model with no handle that costs less has a CRI of 83. "But the light bulbs inside are the same. They have the same shape, the same number, the same everything," I persisted. The answer to that one is that the lights are made overseas and the foreign workers put on the wrong stickers. Yeah, right. Then I asked if one can actually tell the difference between a CRI of 83 and a CRI of 91. He assured me that THEY could tell the difference. I asked if the average quilter could. Probably not, although the lower CRI light would be a little redder. If you talk to Bruce. If you talk to Bob, it's a little more yellow.

Well folks, next on my list to call is the venerable Mr. Ott. Meanwhile, here's my advice: Get yourself an Ott LITE. They're portable so you can haul them to workshops, and the light is bright and doesn't glare. The color (either kind) is a lot truer than a regular incandescent light bulb and they're fun to turn on and off. If you have money to burn and want the beige number with the handle, fork over more money. If you can stand to carry one around without a handle (with practice I bet you could do it) head for OfficeDepot and use the savings to buy more fabric.

And think about this: All the CRI talk of true color is wonderful, BUT..... it doesn't matter if you select your quilting fabric under a high CRI or not. Your finished quilts are going to be viewed under "regular" light unless all the lights in your house are Ott Lites. I imagine that would make Mr. Ott, happy, but let's get real.

I'll supposed to be receiving both bulbs shortly to see if I can tell the difference between CRIs. I shall report back to you. Meanwhile, the news is that they will be switching the shape of the light bulbs so that people won't be able to do just what you're thinking—buy the cheaper lamp and put in the better bulb. AND, the OfficeDepot lights are what they call a "sell-through." They've been there for about 2 years and will probably get pulled off the shelves shortly. Get there quick.

APPLIQUE AFICIONADOS
If applique makes your day, there's a new group that would like to hear from you.

They are TAS (The Applique Society). You can reach Anita M. Smith, their on- line spokesperson, at ams@whidbey.com

SECURITY MEASURES
Thanks to Marsha McCloskey, quilter extraordinaire and all around nice gal for the following SCAM ALERT. She writes: "It seems the day I paid my bills last month, someone stole the mail out of the mail box in front of the office. One check was "washed" and rewritten for $750 and successfully cashed. The other checks haven't shown up yet except I'm getting all sorts of past due notices from the companies I paid that day. Arrrggghhh! The bank says they will credit my account for the amount lost which is a relief, and will not charge me for stopping payment on the rest of the checks. I'm wondering who really takes the loss--- perhaps the bank who cashed the forged check? I've started photocopying every check and invoice before I mail them --- the copies were a great help in sorting this mess out."

I think the kind of checks that make their own copies in the check book might help here too. And, maybe dropping paid bills at the post office instead of leaving them in the mail box to get picked up might help too. As for cashing checks without looking twice, you'd be surprised at what gets cashed. I once accidentally put the check for the phone bill into the credit card envelope (and vice versa). Both were cashed with no questions asked!

Marsha also got this SCAM ALERT from her sister: A (person)received a telephone call from an individual identifying himself as an AT&T Service Technician that was running a test on our telephone lines. He stated that to complete the test the (person) should touch nine (9), zero (0), pound sign (#) and hang up. Luckily, the (person) was suspicious and refused. Upon contacting the telephone company we were informed that by pushing 90# you end up giving the individual that called you access to your telephone line and allows them to place a long distance telephone call, with the charge appearing on your telephone call. We were further informed that this scam has been originating from many of the local jails/prisons.

Since Mr. Ott's phone was busy, I called MCI to ask if this was a real thing. I got transferred around a lot, but finally got a hold of a technician. The ensuing conversation reminded me a lot of the time I called the police to ask if you could walk down Main Street with an assault rifle under your rain coat and would that qualify as a "concealed weapon." I was just a dumb high school kid with a burning desire for information. I didn't have a gun. I didn't even KNOW anybody who had a gun. I probably didn't even have a rain coat. I was just curious. Well the first thing the cop said was, "Where ARE you?!" It took 15 minutes to calm the guy down. The technician was not quite as concerned. He just asked, "Who ARE you and why do you want to know this?" (Harmless quilter from Flint, Michigan...) Evidently this is a scam that has gotten very popular in the last couple of weeks. The 90# thing does just what Marsha said it does. So BE CAREFUL.

OTHER INTERESTING PHONE THINGS
Did you know that besides playing really bad music on your push button phone (Mary Had A Little Lamb starts out 7-4-1-4-7-7-7- and you don't get Mary when somebody answers) you can do other fun things with your phone.

1. To block caller ID, dial *67 before you place your call. The person who has the call waiting gizmo won't be able to tell it's you.
2. If somebody calls and hangs up before you get a chance to pick up the phone and you're totally consumed by curiosity and can't get back to your quilting until you find out who it was, dial *69. That will re-dial the number of the person who just called. You'll get charged $.75, but you'll get that person's phone to ring. Then you can hang up on them! Now, I know what you're thinking. What if the person who called you dialed *67 first? Doesn't matter. Your phone will know.

HOW DOES IT KNOW?
Even a bigger mystery is how those new automatic disposable pencils know when to push out more lead. They're amazing. I don't mark my quilts with pencil, but I do use pencils in the check register. They have a new pencil out now that advances the lead automatically. No kidding. No button to push, nothing to shake, no dial to twist. It just knows. I love 'em. They're called SenseMatic 20000 by Dixon. I accidentally bought 50 dozen, so if you feel a strong desire to own one, call me.

All this reminds me of a joke Uncle Bud once told me. He'd tell you himself, but he's got the flu. Nevertheless, I made him come to the phone and tell it to me again. Here goes: there are three guys debating the most world's most significant achievements. The first guy says it was fire. The second guy says it was the wheel. The third guy says it was the thermos. The other two look at him, "the THERMOS?!" He says, "Yeah, the thermos. You put something cold in it, it stays cold. You put something hot in it, it stays hot. How does it KNOW?!"

CONSTRUCTION UPDATE
I know you're all interested to know how I'm doing in my new job as construction foreman, and even if you're not, this is the only therapy I can afford right now. Here's how my day went today:

Two weeks ago Tony, Ron and Vic (real foreman, carpenter, and lumber person) arrived as soon as I got back from taking Jen to school at about 9:45. I explained how I wanted my design wall in the new sewing studio (old living room) and they began tossing ideas around. Concentrating with both ears, my eyes squinting, and slightly bent at the waist, I could still only understand about 25% of what they were talking about. "Wood Speak" is far too specialized for me. Every two or three minutes I had to ask for a translation. This increased my understanding only about 12%. Clear as mud. Only by my offering descriptions in normal English with question marks on the end, and restricting them to a "yes" or "no" answer, was I able to feel moderately comfortable that they were going to build me the design wall of my dreams instead of an alcove with two banisters and a small turret. Just to give them some of their own medicine, I announced that as soon as we were done I was going to rotary cut some half square triangles. (They were clueless, but unimpressed.)

About six minutes into the meeting the electrician arrived with his helper to begin adding lights to the same room in which we were standing. Deep in conversation about the design wall I didn't notice them come in until one of them took the hand saw to the ceiling. When I noticed there was no drop cloth underneath, there was no time to panic because the three framers arrived to hang the windows in the new addition and the two plumbers came to start on the ductwork. They were followed shortly by my Mallery Press employees who through some snafu all showed up on the same day. Then my mother came, followed by the siding guy who wanted to give me a quote (Shakespeare, I think) and another plumber. For those of you who are keeping track, that made 14 people. I ran outside just to take a picture of all the vehicles!

It's now Thursday morning, and as I write this it has now been over a week since anybody came by to do any official work on the house. Unofficially, the well motor went into cardiac arrest last week. Not wanting it to blow up or drown, we cut the juice to it and only flipped the circuit breaker back on for morning showers. (Thank goodness for the porta potty on the front lawn.) It took major long times to get the well fixed because the well people couldn't get their truck near the well until we moved the dumpster. That required negotiations as tricky and as time consuming as your typical nuclear disarmament treaty. (Having achieved that, the water softener died. Those folks are threatening to come today, sometime between noon and 2. Anybody taking bets?)

The well motor, two lengths of pipe, and the pump have now all been replaced due to holes, old age and planned obsolescence, respectively. They pumped chlorine into the well and with any luck my insides will now match my next load of whites. They claimed the water was now safe to drink, but neither of those guys washed their hands before handling my water pipes and you couldn't pay me enough money to drink the water until I get it tested. (One guy had a GREEN beard!) We still have a good supply of bottled water in the fridge. In fact, I went out last night and bought another gallon. Came back home and noticed that I had gotten distilled water instead of the drinking stuff. I figure my Rowenta loves the stuff, how bad could it be?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?
SMITHQUILT sent me this fun game to find your age, in case you lost it, I guess. Try it and see if it works for you too. It only takes about 30 seconds. Just work it out as you read each step and don't cheat.

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to quilt all day long.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born You should now have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to quilt all day long). The second two digits are your age!!! It really works---but only in 1998.

COOL WEB SITE
Special thanks to Cindy S. for sending me an animated and musical greeting card. If you want to send one, check out http://www.bluemountain.com/. It's a hoot.

TUPELO?
Anybody on this list live in or nearby Tupelo, Mississippi?

SIMPLY QUILTS
HGTV will be re-broadcasting my episode of Simply Quilts (the photo-transfer one) on May 26 at 9:30 EST. I just spoke to one of the people at HGTV and they tell me that "my" show is the most popular one they've ever shown. They measure popularity by how many people call on the day of the show asking for information. Pretty cool, huh?

FABRIC SEARCH
I'm looking for a chunk of old P&B fabric from Pilgrim/Roy's Alhambra Collection. Huge orange and fuscia flowers, green striped leaves on a background of deep, deep, purply-blue. Anybody out there buy too much? Please call me ASAP. 1-800-278-4824

FUNNY SIGNS
Thanks to Aczompo (and Pam Henline) for sending these goofy signs my way. Hope you like them as much as I did.

Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.

On a Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push"

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people.

Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

Veterinarian's Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store: Out for a quick byte

Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICALLY INCLINED
Aczompo also contributed these wacky items.

I once worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "I need a battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote "thingy", she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries, it's a long walk."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In 7-11 the other day I purchased several items and paid with a $20 dollar bill. As the clerk attempted to count out the correct change for the third time, she commented "I never was very good at Geometry."

AND HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
Two guys pass on the street and realize that they know one another.

1st guy: Hey, it's good to see you. That's a nice bike. When did you get it?

2nd guy: I just got it yesterday and I figure it's a $800.00 bike but I got it for free.

1st guy: How did you manage that?

2nd guy: Well, I was walking through a secluded part of the park yesterday and I met this beautiful woman. After a few moments she stripped off all of her clothes and said, "Help yourself to anything you like." So, of course, I took her bike.

1st guy: Wow, wise decision. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

OK, JUST ONE MORE
Thanks to TeresaPal for these wise observations

Things I've learned.......

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. (Age 6)

I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." (Age 7)

When I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. (Age 9)

Just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. (Age 12)

If you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. (Age 13)

Although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. (Age 15)

Silent company is often more healing than words of advice. (Age 24)

Brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. (Age 25)

Wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. (Age 29)

If someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. (Age 39)

There are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. (Age 41)

You can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. (Age 44)

Children and grandparents are natural allies. (Age 46)

Singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. (Age 49)

Motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. (Age 50)

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. (Age 52)

Regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. (Age 53)

Making a living is not the same thing as making a life. (Age 58)

If you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. (Age 61)

Life sometimes gives you a second chance. (Age 62)

You shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. (Age 64)

If you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. (Age 65)

Whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. (Age 66)

Everyone can use a prayer. (Age 72)

It pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. (Age 73)

Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. (Age 82)

Every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch---holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. (Age 85)

I still have a lot to learn. (Age 92)

THANKS FOR READING THIS MONTH'S AFTERCHAT
As always, if you'd like to be removed from my list, just let me know. I'll get over it. If you want to forward it to a friend, go right ahead.
Until next time,
Happy quilting!
Ami Simms

http://quilt.com/amisimms

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