Ami's AfterChat NewsletterDecember 1997Please Note: This newsletter was originally sent in December, 1997. It may not have improved with age. Information may be outdated and irrelevant, not to mention useless. It is here only for your enjoyment.
WELCOME
WEB PAGE ADDITIONS
THE AOL CHAT
SPEAKING OF THE HOLIDAYS Interestingly enough, I have found renewed interest in vacuuming these days. During the day when I am alone in the house. Mostly in the living room. Near the tree. It's surprising what one can learn by innocently vacuuming presents. I don't mean sucking the wrapping off with the drape attachment. I just nudge them a little. Accidentally, as I roll over the pine needles. OK, so I pushed one of the boxes over to the television set and back, but just to see if I was skilled enough to do it. And I was, but I still couldn't tell EXACTLY what was inside. I had a little more luck with the second present until I accidentally caught part of the tree skirt in the vacuum. Thankfully it wrapped around the beater bar several times and jammed which stopped my progress before the tree came down on me. I was then forced to make vacuum tracks around the rest of the house to cover MY tracks. This took considerably more time than I had to give, so I guess I've opted to wait and get more quilting done instead.
STOCKING STUFFERS If you think you might be interested in purchasing one of my how-to books, please either check out my web site (http://quilt.com/amisimms) or call 1-800-278-4824 to find out the names of them, and the prices, and what you might learn if you read one. (Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT possible to derive the full benefit of any book by simply pressing it up to your forehead or placing it under your pillow while you sleep. You do need to read them.) There are discounts for ordering more than one book, so that if by any chance you have one friend and, perhaps, a table with one short leg, you could actually buy TWO books and save money. They don't take much wrapping paper, and for your vacuuming friends, they are easily identified as books. In order to have your books arrive in time for Christmas, you should order in the next 20 seconds, or before December 18 when my staff deserts me and I am forced to re-learn the antiquated pre-windows computer program I concocted to print out retail invoices. This could take weeks. By the way, if your name is RUTH and you'd like a copy of Invisible Applique, you're in luck. I just happen to have one with your name on it. Don't ask me how I came to have this book pre-autographed and I'll make you a deal you can't refuse.
WANT ANOTHER GOOD IDEA?
YAWNING & OTHER STRANGE PHENOMENA Another strange phenomenon almost occurred just after Thanksgiving. Steve was getting the tree ready to bring into the house and I went out on the deck to pester him about something. As we spoke I could hear a radio. There was no radio in sight, but the closer I got to him, the louder it was. I got really excited, thinking that perhaps his dental work and the angle of his head or something was tuning in a radio station. (C'mon, you've all heard those stories.) Trying not to tip my hand, I just got closer and closer, trying to get a look inside his mouth. I have no idea what I was looking for---maybe sparks or something. Steve's a little shorter than I am, so trying to get a look inside his mouth while carrying on casual conversation is a little harder than it sounds. I didn't want to spook him, so I had to be NONCHALANT. (That's French for the opposite of "Oh, my Gosh, your head has turned into a radio!! Hold still let me look!") It didn't take long for him to start backing up as I got closer and closer. When I had inadvertently pinned him against the Bar-B-Que, he held me at arm's length and asked me what in the world I was doing. Actually voicing my suspicions---dare I say "hopes?"---sounded incredibly foolish. But what the heck. We're always running out of batteries, and if his head could tune in radio stations, that would be an incredible savings. Not only that, but now I could listen to my favorite radio station in the car and he could, well, listen to his. I was already wondering if I could work out some kind of snooze control so that I could listen in bed until I fell asleep, but then he messed it all up by showing me the transistor radio in his jacket pocket. Darn. And I had such high hopes.
TRAVEL NEWS
I AM SO HONORED
CONSTRUCTION UPDATE As soon as I left for Virginia, they started. The building permit was delivered and now sits in my office window making a lovely backdrop for the dumpster. The workmen have spent 4 days digging straight, narrow trenches into what once was the floor of the old garage. Tomorrow they promise to come back and stuff long iron things in the trenches and cement blocks and wet cement. What could be better!?
EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT
"Complaints about the veracitude of "little known facts" Indiana University main library sinking an inch per year is an urban legend new to me. As a long-time employee of the main library (as well as a quilter--you gave a quilting workshop to our guild a few years ago) I assure you this building has not sunk almost 2 1/2 feet. In fact, according to the university architect, the library is higher than originally planned because bedrock is only 5 feet down." Linda Kelsey Well, Linda, now I'm wondering if camel milk really DOES curdle, but of course nobody wants to investigate that one! I'm glad I can count on the informed readers of this newsletter to set me straight. I stand corrected.
GIGGLE HERE
When Good Dogs Go & Crossbreed:
ANOTHER FUNNY Scientists at NASA have developed a gun, whose purpose it is to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. The idea being, that it will simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough. British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions. The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."
REMOVAL INSTRUCTIONS And remember, if you ever are dissatisfied with this newsletter, the full purchase price will be cheerfully refunded.
Happy quilting and enjoy the holidays with those you love,
Remember the date at the beginning of this newsletter? It's an old one. To receive a new one the next time Ami writes one, please get on the mailing list |