Ami's AfterChat Newsletter

August 1998

Welcome! Glad you're on the list to receive my newsletter! If you signed up on my web page and didn't get this newsletter, it's because all the sign-ups for this month were accidentally send to Never-Never Land. Poof! Gone! I don't have your name. The problem has been fixed, so please sign up again. Of course if you did sign up and your name got toasted, you're not reading this are you?!

DON'T FORGET
Thursday, August 27, 1998 is the day I'll be in the AOL chat room for our monthly get-together. This month, thanks to Cathy, the Quilt Forum Chat Coordinator, we will have a very special room. It's called the Enhanced Chat room and we can fit 100 people in there! Wow! Hit keyword QUILTERS, then follow the prompts to the chat. Click on the usual chat room and then you'll be in. Please come and join the fun beginning at 9:00 p.m. EST. Protocol will be in effect for the first 45 minutes. Don't worry, you'll see how it works in no time.

SPREAD THE WORD
I got a lot of emails last month requesting permission to reprint parts of my newsletter to put in your quilt guild newsletters. Go right ahead. Unfortunately, I don't always know who to credit for certain portions, other than the kind soul who emailed me with a particular poem or funny. I'm in a quandary about what to do about that. Somebody somewhere obviously wrote these, but they've been shooting around the internet and the attribution has been lost. Maybe it would be OK to put. "We're sorry, but we don't know who originally wrote this. If you know, please tell us and we'll be happy to give them the credit they deserve." What do you think?

I know that I don't mind about you reprinting any part of the newsletter that I've written. (Newsletter no problem; books---BIG problem.) Anyway, just tell them where you got it (Ami's AfterChat Newsletter) and then please tell them how to subscribe. (Email Ami at amisimms@aol.com or sign up at http://quilt.com/amisimms.) The more the merrier! Thanks!

ON THE ROAD AGAIN
I just returned from a workshop and lecture for the Little Balkins Quilt Guild in Pittsburg, KS. What fun. Not only did I have a great time, but I learned some great things and hit a flea market too. THAT doesn't happen every day!

Did you know that the distance from your wrist to your elbow is the same as the length of your foot? Take off your shoe and try it. And then think of 3239 other people reading this newsletter crouched over holding their bare feet to their arms. (And that was in an APPLIQUE class!) Wait, there's more! Did you know that if you spread your arms out to the sides as far as they will go and measure the distance between your fingertips, that's how tall you are? Amazing.

PAPER MATE TEST
One of my students also shared her tip about marking with a Paper Mate Ultra Fine Flair. Black ink only. It rinsed out with cold water about 30 seconds after it hit the fabric, but what about over time? It's time to put on your lab coat and play scientist. Let's test it!

Cut 24 six inch squares of muslin.
Cut 24 two inch squares of muslin.
Mentally divide each of the larger squares in half.
On one half use the Flair pen and mark all over it. That will represent quilting lines.
On the other half, mark one straight line about two inches long.
Mark another line on the little square and then sew the little square to the big one ON THE LINES. (That will be like hand piecing on a marked line, making the marks a tad more difficult to get out.)
Take your iron and iron on some (not all) of the "quilting" marks.
Why 24? So each month we can wash one and see if the marks wash out. I don't know about you, but most quilts take longer to finish than they used to. In two years we'll know if it really does come out.

PHOTO-QUILT BOOK UPDATE
Things are moving along swimmingly, but I'm on the lookout for old photographs to spice up some of the pages. Specifically, I'm looking for an old photograph of someone using an old camera. Anybody got anything like that in their attic? Email me quick.

STINKY PINK
September is Stinky Pink Month. Anybody want to do a fat quarter exchange with me? I'm looking for Stinky Pink. Bright pink. Double pink. Puke pink. Neon pink. If you send me a fat quarter of PINK, I'll send you one. If you want to help me out, but are trying to get RID of your pink, I'll send you something else.
Send your fat quarters to:

Ami Simms
c/o Mallery Press
4206 Sheraton Drive
Flint, MI 48532-3557

The exchange ends on September 30, 1998.

CONSTRUCTION UPDATE
When the addition was added we lost a bathroom window. We didn't misplace it, we took it out on purpose because the new hallway would be in the other side of it. Who needed to walk down the hall and look through the window into the john? Or, vise versa. (Of course to look out the bathroom window you'd have to sit real tall in the saddle, if you know what I mean.) So there went the window. In it's place is a huge gaping hole in the wall next to the toilet. While it is a conversation starter, it's only temporary. One visit to the Little Quilter's Room and that was enough for me!

I stuck a large wooden pantry cabinet on the "new" side. That was easy. On the bathroom side I was left with a hole facing the rear end of a large wooden pantry cabinet. We could do better. The window hole was an odd size. No ready- made cabinet could be found to fill the hole without making the hole bigger (big mess) or making the hole smaller (more wall paper, or REALLY WIDE trim, and a bigger mess).

Instead we opted for a surrealistic approach. First, we put the blue Venetian blinds back where they were. Steve custom built shelves out of some of the scrap lumber. The shelves fit inside the hole and are spaced exactly (more or less) five inches apart. That's 30 rolls of toilet paper at your right elbow and all you have to do to reach one is pull up the window blinds!

Now what I really want to do is have Steve refine the design a bit. If he tilted the shelves just a little, the toilet paper could roll all the way from the top shelf to the bottom shelf. That way even if you only have one roll left, it will always roll to the bottom shelf and you'll never have to stand up! I'll start working on him right now.

PORTHOLE UPDATE
Thanks to two readers, I got a little closer to finding the porthole that would be the cover to my mother's clothes chute. I learned all about internet auctions, actually bid on a 1850's porthole that would have fit perfectly, and was the highest bidder all to find out that the minimum bid hadn't been met and I am still without a porthole.

Another reader sent the URL for a marine salvage place. Idiot that I am, I have lost the URL. Care to help me out AGAIN?!

NEED HELP QUILTING?
Check out this URL for a list of people who will quilt your tops for you. The list of machine quilters is managed by Susan Druding at The Mining Company. You can even search by state.
http://quilting.miningco.com/library/weekly/aa051798.htm

HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION
I'm thinking up a new thing. Without spilling the beans, it would be a way for individual quilters across the country to donate one block as a kind of country-wide service project. Finished quilts would go to deserving charities across the country, nominated by people who have contributed their time in the project. I've figured out how to get the individual blocks made, but here's what I'd like to know: Are there individuals who would be willing to either work with their guild or individually to assemble blocks made by other quilters into quilts and then quilt them? They would be able to select child size or full size. Batting, and fabric for borders and backing would be donated. Quilts would then be shipped to me for distribution. Everyone who worked on the project would be given credit, unless they preferred to be anonymous. I would send press releases to the media to generate attention (to get more quilts made) and to sing the praises of the guilds or individuals who did the final assembly. Maybe even those who made the blocks. Do you think you or your guild would want to undertake such a project? (Email me back a Yes or a No. Don't forward the entire newsletter to me; I'll remember what I asked. Don't worry, you won't be committing yourself to anything. Just wondering what your opinion on this is. And if all 3,000 of you respond, that would be great. I just won't write back to you all!) Thanks!

FUNNY
Thanks to Aczompo for sending along these Things To Think About!

• Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
• It's not the rapid pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
• Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole.

ANOTHER FUNNY
Thanks for Smuchinsky for sending me these chuckles.

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
----------------------------------------------------
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
----------------------------------------------------
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
----------------------------------------------------

CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD

Dear GOD,
.....Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

.....Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? - Jane

.....Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

.....I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil

.....What does it mean you are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything. - Jane

.....Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! - Darla

..... Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

..... It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am..)

.....Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.

.....Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, you can look it up. - Bruce

.....My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny

.....Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

.....I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

.....I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M.

.....I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

.....If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. - Mickey D.

.....I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris

.....We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. - Sincerely, Donna

A LETTER FROM CAMP
LBQuilter sent this last funny, which I couldn't resist.

Dear Mom & Dad,
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,

Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Have fun and happy quilting,
Ami Simms
http://quilt.com/amisimms
amisimms@aol.com

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