Ami's AfterChat Newsletter

April 1999

WELCOME
Yes, it's time for another issue of the AfterChat Newsletter. Thank you for tuning in. I'm now halfway switched over to the newest version of AOL and the newest version of Powermail. Now, if I could just get them to start talking to each other, all my problems will be over. (And those of you STILL getting duplicate copies will not have to read them both!) This was all made possible by switching to Windows 98 which just lost my scanner. It's still on the desk, but the computer can't seem to find it. I pointed the monitor so it's staring at the scanner, but she's still clueless.

All of you on America Online are cordially invited to come to the chat this Thursday night (4-22-99) at 9 pm EST in the Quilters' Chat room (keyword: Quilters). Join me for the usual questions and answers. We practice protocol for the first 45 minutes and you'll get the hang of that in no time. After that, it's a free-for-all. The topic of discussion will be quilting in Italy. For those of you unable to make it, the chats are saved, for what reason I don't know, and can be accessed somewhere on the Quilters Forum.

FUN IN THE FALL IN FLINT
Our big show is coming up. If you're going to be in Flint, Michigan during the last week-end in September, or there abouts, please visit the Quilts At The Crossroads web page for lots of information. http://www.gfn.org/gfac/quilts/

I'll be doing a repeat of the hand quilting stitch informal workshop and gourmet food tasting extravaganza at the Whaley Historical Site again this year. We're limiting it to the number of students who can fit around the frame after they fit around the dining room table for a special catered meal, so sign up quick. Prefer the phone? Call Len Thomas at the Whaley House to sign up: (810) 235-6841. (Tell him I said, "hi!")

ON THE ROAD
I had a great time this past week with Colorado quilters at the Four Corners Quilters Day. (They have mountains there, you know!) Many thanks to all the fine folks who made my stay so much fun. I'm still eating goodies from my goodie bag and ironing fabric which will be added to my stash.

I'll be visiting the Garden State Quilters and the Courthouse Quilters in New Jersey in May. No long layovers this trip, but keep your eyes open for future airport get-togethers.

THIS NEWSLETTER IS WORTH $5
Here's a special for the loyal readers of the AfterChat. This e-mail will serve as a $5 gift certificate on your next order from The Kirk Collection (http://www.kirkcollection.com). After you place your order, just write "Ami's $5 Gift Certificate" in the comments section and $5 will be deducted from your total. If you place your order by phone, just tell them you have a $5 gift certificate from Ami Simms. Pretty neat, huh? You have to order by May 15, 1999 and only one certificate per person please.

Nancy Kirk was my neighbor at the Houston show two years ago and has lots of antique fabrics and great reproductions (including novelty prints), plus antique quilts, cotton batting and more. Her web page is really something special. Even if you have absolutely no interest in antique fabric, take your pulse to make sure you're not dead, and visit the web site anyway. Trust me -- You'll love it especially if your computer has speakers plugged into it.

HOUSE UPDATE
The painter is just about finished, the trim carpenter has just a few more things to do and carpet comes on Monday. I am besides myself with joy. The fire place won't light any more, but we somehow passed inspection and will receive, so they say, a certificate of occupancy. This is a good thing as Jennie moved into the bathroom about a month ago---newspapers on the window and old towels on the floor. Carpet will be an improvement. So will blinds.

ROME
As soon as the computer is re-introduced to the scanner and I figure out how to suck the images off the digital camera, you will be able to see photos of my trip to Rome over Easter vacation on the web page. The highlight of the trip was the workshop with the Italian quilters at Ostia Antica. And the food. I took lots of pictures of food. You'll also be able to see the new Il Mondo di Pezza, Rome's only quilt shop, and meet Emanuela and Luca D'Amico, the talented owners. Both she AND he hand quilt. Beautifully! (Yes, I know, I owe you a web page update on the Asian trip, too. I'm working as fast as I can. Really!)

My Italian friend, Maria Luisa Gariboldi, will be teaching in Santa Clara, California in October for the Pacific International Quilt Show. She's a real fire cracker and a fine teacher. If you get a chance, sign up for a workshop or lecture. (Yes, she speaks English! Quite well, in fact.)

WEB PAGE UPDATE
Still trying to get all the recent scans of photo-quilts onto the page. There are some new ones up there now, but in the meanwhile others were accidentally jettisoned into cyberspace and came back mutated. Now that I returned the snapshots, it might be a little more difficult to retrieve them and re-tweak them, but I have not given up hope. http://quilt.com/amisimms

FUNNIES
Aczompo sent this funny....

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

SPEAKING OF DOGS....
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

*Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a light bulb?
*Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!
*Dachshund: I can't even reach the stupid lamp.
*Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry.
*Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!
*Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze dah-ling, let the servants.......
*Labrodor: Oh me, me, pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I, can I, huh, huh, can I?!
*Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's changing it.
*Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
*Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
*Mastiff: Mastiff's are NOT afraid of the dark.
*Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
*Chihuahua: Yo quiero taco bulb.
*Pointer: I see it , there it is, it's right there....
*Greyhound: It isn't moving, who cares?
*Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle........
*Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? LIGHT BULB? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

FAMOUS LAST WORDS
A reader sent these famous last words along and then I added a few to the list. Enjoy!

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
So, you're a cannibal?
It's probably just a rash.
Are you sure the power is off?
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire did you say to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
Rat poison only kills rats.
If you ignore it, it will just go away.
Pretend you're not frightened and it won't hurt you.
This knife will get the toast out.
It doesn't matter if the seam allowance isn't EXACTLY 1/4 inch, as long as it's consistent.
I'm pretty sure this will wash out.
I'm cutting all the patches out first; then I'll make a sample block.
Pre-washing's just a waste of time.
What's bearding?
Don't worry; it'll quilt out.

REMOVAL
If you'd like to break my heart and not receive this newsletter ever again, please type IGOOFED in the subject line. (You did, after all, go to my web page and sign up to receive it, having first had the chance to try it out by actually reading past issues before you asked to be put on the list.) While I am crushed that you have actually decided to read the words in this segment, all I ask is that you select one of the following benign excuses to put in the body of your removal email so as not to further hurt the feelings of the actual real person who writes these newsletters faithfully every month for free when she could be quilting.

Excuse #1: In anticipation of the impending Y2K disaster, I have decided to sell my home and all my possessions and move to a secluded area of my mother's back yard to live off the land. There is no room in the tent for my computer, therefore I will have no way to receive your abundantly amusing newsletter. With a sadness in my heart, I ask that you remove me from the list. I will, however be taking past issues to read in the evening as a way of calming my nerves, until the batteries in the flashlight go.

Excuse #2: I am about to enroll in a total immersion course in French. As your newsletter is not written in French, I must, regrettably ask to be removed from Zee List. Au Revoir, mon Ami.

Excuse #3: Help! My screen name and password have been compromised by a cunning and deranged individual whose dastardly deeds include signing me up for your beautifully crafted and entertaining newsletter, three purple fabric exchanges, two round robins, and a secret sister gift exchange with a grandmother in Duluth. You people are crazy! Until this mess can be straightened out, take me off the list.

Thank you for your kind attention, and happy quilting!
Ami Simms
PS: The special 15% discount on Fun Photo-Quilts & Crafts and Photos-To-Fabric® transfer paper will expire at the end of April. Order now before prices go up.
Phone toll free: 1-800-A-STITCH.
Web page: http://quilt.com/amisimms
Snail Mail: Mallery Press
4206 Sheraton Drive
Flint, MI 48532-3557

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